“The very traits that have made us the most communal, are the ones that can make us the most cruel”. In his book ‘Survival of the Friendliest’, Brian Hare cites this fact, building on his research revealing that human survival, evolution, and progress have been driven more by the ability to collaborate and create a sense of belonging than the typical “fittest” narrative. In a recent Clubhouse chat, Rahaf Farhoush and I talked with Brian about how this applies to business, and the conversation was both controversial and illuminating.
Me no likey!
I didn’t like the word “friendly” in the title. It triggered memories of what many women have historically been asked to be in the business world - often referring to being “agreeable and affable” and being overly criticized when they are not. When I pushed on this, we got to the real trait that drives progress: creating a sense of belonging and expanding who feels that in your presence and as a result of your work.
Now that we’re on the same page that it’s more belonging than friendliness…
Belonging, however, can work against us. In an effort to involve, serve, and even protect “our people” (teams, companies, family, community), we identify these groups as “us”, and everyone else as “them” to varying extremes. So what is the solution to expanding who is considered “us”, thereby expanding your circle of belonging without trying to be all things to all people? There is one best technique - seeing, meeting, and connecting with people as individuals, instead of groups, teams, or demographics. In addition, it’s critical to ensure incentive systems don’t grow or worsen us vs. them mentality.
Beyond the societal implications of this, there is deep relevance for businesses. A few examples:
Marketing - who you talk to, instead of cohorts, groups, or names like “the busy balancer” or the “confident snacker”, should be rooted in individuals - real people. Meet several people, know their names, their stories, their life stages, their needs, and why they love, want, or value what you sell. Do this again and again over time, because your employees and customers change quickly. Use those intimate interactions to form connections and reconciliations between the data you see and the real experiences of those you serve. You will make better decisions and investments as a result.
Compensation - do your incentives reward individuals, teams, or departments to the detriment of the whole? I learned over years of trial and error to have a meaningful component of incentive compensation tied to the company as a whole. More for execs than earlier stage workers that are less likely to “move the needle” on the company, but even they should have a component of comp tied to the good of the whole. If this is not in place, silos grow faster and stronger, and there is not enough extrinsic motivation for total company/ shared success drivers.
Like many of you, my life is full of reflecting and learning ways to keep getting better in all aspects of life, including in business. And as a serial pattern-finder, the role of belonging as a driver in almost every area of business has emerged as a lead theme over the years.
Whether it’s sales, advertising, comp plans, or feedback to team members, appreciating the underlying psychology of belonging provides clarity and direction for what to do and how to best do things. This applies to building teams and building community.
At the foundation of behaviors of belonging are incentive systems - intrinsic and extrinsic. What incentives are you putting in place to drive belonging? What systems might be in place already that diminish belonging? What could you start doing, and what could you stop doing to improve belonging as an attribute in your company and community?
It’s good to do a “Belonging and Incentives” audit twice a year or as systems meaningfully change. Ask some of these questions, answer them, and act on them. Ask. Answer. Act. Do it proactively so you retain your best people, get the most out of individuals and teams, and evolve your business to serve the actual needs of the biggest fans in your community.
And on that note…I’m glad you are here! We do a once-monthly zoom for subscribers -last Tuesday of the month at 8pmEST. We talk about everything from career to business strategy to team leadership. The last few have been great, and I’d love to see you there!