Asking for Help
As a businessperson, investor, constant learner, the working mom of 2 under the age of 3, and the loving wife of a crazy hard-working husband, I continue to learn the importance and power of asking for help.
In Adam Grant's Work Life podcast, this topic came up within a story of networking, rooted in a moment when I knew I needed guidance. I was able to break out of a common fear of being judged and instead was more worried about NOT getting guidance than I was concerned about looking weak, underprepared, or incapable.
I reframed my fear so that failure would be defined as NOT getting guidance and help vs the opposite. I asked a highly respected, high-level executive for help with a tough scenario when I was in my first ever Chair of the Board role for a non-profit. I got guidance, which was what I asked for, but what I didn’t expect was the additional advocacy, partnership, and mentorship I received that lasted long beyond that moment of help.
This has played out over and over in my career and life. I learned this in the early days of opening restaurants around the world when I had very little experience and literally NEEDED help to know what to do and to get things done. And the lesson on the power of help was clear again as I took on new and larger roles and had different “firsts” where guidance was needed, desired, and appreciated.
Through these experiences, I learned to ask for help and to look forward to it, because of the learning and partnership that occurred as a result.
No matter your status, confidence level, or situation, you can get comfortable asking for help (and help others do the same). Here are two of my favorite approaches to ask for help.
Quick information gathering. Create a “Mentoring Moment”. Have a quick check-in with someone who has experience in something specific. In the hallway, over coffee, on a quick call. “Hi, I’m working on/dealing with “x” situation, I know you have experience here, and I’d love to get your guidance. How did you handle it? What’s one piece of advice you would give me?”. This could be only 5-10 minutes, but worth a lifetime of leapfrogging mistakes and accelerating learning.
I use this approach often when it’s about knowledge-gathering, simple introductions, or getting perspective. This works when believe I can do something on my own, but don’t have much experience in it yet. It’s helped me when I take on a new role, acquire a new company in a new space, or am dealing with a new kid issue, ie: how in the *%$! do I manage evening routines with a 2-year-old and a newborn when I’m home with them solo?!
Making a bigger ask - time, money, a heavier lift, etc. When possible, be sure you are clear that this is someone you have a relationship with. Drawing on an empty "relationship account" never produces optimal results. "I need your help/support/etc. This is a big/tough/heavy situation, and I would be so grateful for your support/partnership. If it's not right for you, do not hesitate to say so, and I welcome any recommendations if you have them".
I use this approach when I believe I cannot (or should not) do something alone. Using the kid example again, instead of asking for ideas - asking a friend to come over to help me for a few hours. Not only is the ask different, but WHO I would ask those two things is potentially different. Most people, strong relationship or not, will be helpful with a quick ask, and even feel flattered to be viewed as a resource, but it’s sometimes a different (and more select) group that would feel it’s appropriate to deliver a heavier lift of support. Same with asking for $ (investing in you, getting a loan, donating a meaningful amount to a cause); it’s a different group and approach than those you call for a quick check-in for learning.
Knowing the difference between different kinds of help and support and knowing how to demonstrate thoughtfulness around how you ask not only builds and protects your reputation, but also ensures you are getting the kind of help you need that is given with enthusiasm.
Of course, the other half of this equation is receiving and accepting help that is offered, a skill that I am very good at professionally, but in my personal life I am admittedly still working on … let’s save that for another article. :)